A walk to remember

Ha! This post isn't about the damnable book "A walk to remember" by Nicolas Sparks. Which by the way I hate..

So moving on!
Yes! I finally started my Morning walk.
I am not at all a morning person, I mean literally I have spent my life's 22 years in sleeping until sun rays actually annoys me. I used to stay awake around 1 or 2 am to finish up my books, or sudden creative urges to finish up paintings or sketches(Which I had to do that night, or else world will collide!), or just stay awake, without blinking an eye, while thinking about school memories, or recent movie or literally terror attacks! My mind just wouldn't shut off with all the information I have gathered in the whole day.

I always wanted to start this morning walk thing, although I suck at getting up early by alarm clock, or getting my self out of bed seems like a night mare, but this time. I totally did it. I did it and I came back yesterday and looked up for benefits of morning walks so they can keep me going on the next day and the next day and so on. And I am totally loving it.

So the most important thing about walk is, you dont have to do anything except just go farther and farther away, and at some point it just seems like you dont even want the road to finish. I had my headphones on and Beatle's Martha my dear was playing on. and I felt so good about everything that was going on. The only sound of my feets in absolute calm, few birds chirping away and just soft notes of Martha drifting like miraculous song out of nowhere. And it was sublime, just one of my kind of bliss moments.
Although Morning walks may have lots of healthy benefits, I guess for me its the moment of peace... When no one is shouting, talking, no vehicles disturbing the road. I love the way it feels, when I am accompanied by nothing else but the surrounding and myself.

Now its just rainy season about to finish, Soon enough I may be able to see the sunrise as well! Holding on to that moment till then... :)

So  To a new change, I wish I'd keep this resolution up :)

Merci!

Wuthering Heights

How can someone even exist being so cruel?

That was my reaction when I read first scene from this book which shaken me up.
Then I was like,
Just keep reading, Just keep reading like Dory from Finding Nemo. Expecting something good will happen in the end. and what?

I cant believe I even decided to read this crap book, I hated it...I hated every character of it. Hated the way they were behaving with each others and with themselves.

Well it is a love story, of two extremely selfish people. And the man is so freaking psychopath that he turns onto the family which took him in when he was an orphan and lost. He behaves so recklessly when he is of age and grabs everything of the family ever own. He becomes the ghost probably after his death as if he lived an saint life before. I can not say anyone ever frighten me this much before from a book than Mr. Heathcliff.
Its not only the way he acts, there's something demonic about him. He traps people in his sweet talks and then makes them do what he wants them to do. Whatever he did I can not at all accept, was for the love of his life. And the only soft spot he ever had was for his dead lover. Damn you... :(

At first few times I wanted to stop reading it because I couldn't read it with the sort of violence it had, but then I felt as if maybe I have gone too soft hearted after reading whole sophisticated stories, and at some point I need to face reality.  So I kept going on, to find a golden line to the reckless cloud of raging storm. But none... None at all. Wasnt worth it...

I have read three classics now Jane Eyre, Pride and Prejudice and Wuthering heights all from English classics. and I guess I feel as there is something very deep to understand with the society they lived in. We would not speak such language as of magnanimity, trepidation, bereavement... But they would have direct philosophical conversation as if they are asking whether you had dinner or tea. What appeals to me more is that how could people speak in such difficult thought process in just few seconds. There are values, morality, ethics, behavioral traits everywhere in their conversations.

We speak about these things in certain scenario now a days, we need lectures or specific people to talk about morals and values or specific environment to speak about them. At first I would get annoyed as well as why do they have to talk so difficult about everything. But it seems a luxury in today's world when we do not have time neither ears to listen to values and morals everyday, every minute.
Perhaps that is the one thing I have learn so far in  my expedition of classic literature.
As time has changed but our concepts still stay the same, hidden and ignored among the time layers, we might have used our time of the whole day for the important chores and have forgotten how to still keep in touch with our inner self, but its still there.

 Morality, Upbringing, Manners, Education, Values, Love, Sensibility... Its still there. Just wrapped up in a different styles, and hidden somewhere deep beneath.


To Wuthering Heights. The book I hated after a long time... :P

what would be my last words?

Crazy thought ha... 

Well not so much. 

we live our life in so many different forms, we start our life with a cry to live and then go on till we draw our last breath. 

My first words could be , momma or dada, yours could be something else...those are indefinite. 

but what about our last words?

If ever they had such importance for our own sake, wouldn't you plan for them? :)

so I read this one article which had this collection of famous people's last words. 
and there came one entry as,

"And according to Steve Jobs' sister Mona, the Apple founder's last words were, "Oh wow. Oh wow. Oh wow."

and so we draw a conclusion as he might be remembering the things he's done in his life. and so that is why he was feeling great about them, so he said the words... or maybe not. Only steve could be the one to answer that. 

so for those of you who have read his speech addressed in stanford university, do you remember he would say to himself everyday a question?

“If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?”

so He did what he felt by thinking about the moment of death, and so there comes the 'Oh wow!'
well things are still hypothetical here, but if we looked at the optimistic way, he could be thinking the same.  While he was lying there, and he knew it was gonna be his moment. 

hmm. but well, he was steve jobs, Duh. the man was born wonder I guess, on a second note, I would like to say "oh wow" on my death bed, while it wont be my last words of course. 
But as I think about it, I may die anytime from now on. (Please dont misunderstand, its just an expression, I have no plan to perish before I am officially an 80 year old grandma, with at least 3 grand childrens. :D ) but still. if suppose I died before that, will I be remembering the blog I am writing right now, in a small office room of an engineering college, with a rainy day weather out of the window and a sort of uncomfortable feeling I have right now? 
Or will I be thinking about the most happiest moment of my life happened till now or which will happen in future? 
Or the most saddest thing I experienced in my life?
Or the people in my life who loved me the most, or whom I loved the most?
Or will I be just glad to finally get over life and on a new journey(if suppose there is an after life)...
Or? Or? Or?

And I remembered  a song of Disney's movie, Tangled, I thought might be my last words. :D

after looking at the question of "What happens when we die?" like closed door for my entire life and if I see any light which leads into somewhere and something else unknown, I will be singing,

"And at last I see the light
And it's like the fog has lifted
And at last I see the light
And it's like the sky is new
And it's warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted"

Ha. Ha! Kudos to my Last words arrangements Amigos!

To the Last words! (Which are useless anyway if you Reeeaallly think about it! :D)

Merci!

Fear = thinking * time

Take either one of them away, there shall be no more fear... 

I heard this awesome formula in a podcast. Which was about fear and conquest of fear.
Well what do we fear, in the span of our entire life we have fear of lots if things . fear of failing. Fear of falling. Fear of getting rejected. Fear of lots of things which accumulated over the period with our experiences.

My worse fear in my life would be failing at something or getting insulted by someone. Even after 4-5 years I can not forget something which has made Me feel uncomfortable about something. I was never the bright student In my school. I was rather a silent mode girl lost in my thoughts. But as i hit the bottom after my 12th,and I decided I will never let anyone make Me feel small. I would not let them look at my failure and laugh. I would rather be called a sincere geek but I will not bound. Over the period my hardwork paid and I got that it does not matter. The prejudice people have about you does not matter. In The end no body cares. Even I don't care who is gaining sky scraping success or who is struggling. Why should anyone care what I do. And then it was clear to Me that. I will not waste my time trying to please others and fitting into the stereotypes. I'd rather be what I want. And I think that Is how I have overcome my fear of losing.

The person in podcast told a way to overcome The fear.  A rejection theory. In order to overcome our fear of rejection we need to defeat it by coming across situations where we get rejected
. ha. What a awesome way to defeat something. :D I loved this a lot. I guess I will try as well to implement in my life to over come the fear of lots of things. 

And also. A one more monologue from game of thrones.

"Can a man still be brave when he is afraid?

That is the only time  a man can be brave. "

To the conquest of fear... ;)

On the edge, Rebel on the ice and a story of struggle

Well so I was just there chilling, exploring a new found interesting thing, podcast which my cousin introduced me to. And I came across a name as “On the edge” and as I hit play it started some thing irrelevant information at first. But then slowly as I was concentrating onto it.

I came across a mind blowing story of a Gymnast+ figure skater + a Heroin which I can't explain how much I felt proud of her.

So here’s she.

A girl named Surya Balone, and here’s a short introduction to her.

So Surya Bonaly (born December 15, 1973) is a French-American former figure skater who competed for France. She is a three-time World silver medalist (1993–1995), a five-time European champion (1991–1995), the 1991 World Junior Champion, and a nine-time French national champion (1989–1997).

Bonaly is the only figure skater to land a backflip on only one blade; she performed it at the 1998 Winter Olympics in Nagano, Japan.

Well first of all the thing you notice would be her skin color right? As I have been a fan of figure skating  and never ever lose any opportunity to watch a figure skating competition if I see it on television, I was surprised as well to see a black skater being a figure skater.

(Sorry, I cant help but its just a little unusual, well not in these days perhaps but back in  80’s and 90’s it must have been a big surprise right?)

So the podcast was about Surya Bonaly and her struggle through her skating career.

Bonaly was born in Nice, France on December 15, 1973. Initially named Claudine, she was adopted at 18 months old by Suzanne and Georges Bonaly, who gave her the name Surya. Suzanne worked as a physical education teacher and Georges as an architect for the government. The couple initially told the media that their daughter had been born on the island of Reunion, because they thought this origin sounded more "exotic".When Surya approached the age of 18 and began researching her birth history, her parents admitted that Surya's biological mother had been from the island but that Surya herself had not been born there.

(source Wikipedia)

So when she was a kid, she took interest in gymnastic and then after she switched to the figure skating. Being a black girl and her figure skating techniques being a little bit less elegant, she was sort of ignored by the people for being the competitor to win the first places. She kept her practice going on to improve on her techniques but she just kind of had enough is enough time when she was in the1990 worlds junior championship.

 Bonaly was awarded the silver medal behind Japan's Yuka Sato at the 1990 World Junior Championships in Colorado Springs, Colorado. She finished fourth at the 1990 European Championships and ninth at the 1990 World Championships.

This incidence was explicitly narrated in the podcast and I was sort of astonished by her behavior at that time.

It stated that even though Surya had given her best in that competition but being a kind of not so accepted stereotypes the gold medal was given to the Yuka sato in that competition.

Surya first didn’t came out for the award ceremony for several minutes and then when she came she was already crying. She went in the ice for her bow down and congratulated Yuka, but she didn’t stand up on the podium. Although Yuka being the gold medalist all eyes were on crying Surya.

The president did awarded Yuka her gold medal( all the time while keeping an eye on Surya as if she would then atleast stood up on podium but she didn’t)

He then went towards her, almost pulled her on the podium, and then awarded her a silver medal. But after a second or two Surya removed the medal, all the time while weeping.

I mean damn… She took it off right in front of everybody.

When asked by reporters about her behavior she stated that “maybe she isn’t lucky” enough to get in the first place, after giving all that she can.

I was having vague pictures of the scenario the whole time I was listening to this, so then after I finished it, I started a little digging up and I found the very moment video on the youtube and oh my god. I was literally speechless with the real moment of it. She was seriously disappointed, and she looked so very sad for whatever had happened with her.

There was one more incidence in the podcast as Surya being a gymnast had learnt to do a backflip in the skating while she was in the training. As Back flipping is dangerous to do in skating, its officially illegal move in the figure skating.

 So in her last year of her career , and she just was going through a post surgery period but she wanted to participate in the Olympics so even in the pain after taking all medical help she could get, and she went on the Ice.

She fell after a first few minutes but she did stood up, and then at a point when she thought she can not do anything further, she 

suddenly made up her mind and did a illegal move.

A backflip, in which she landed on one foot, which was sort of a approved move.

And when I watched what she did, I was stunned. Absolutely stunned.

I mean, oh my god. After all that she had been through in her life. She just did it all while going through immense pain, If you seen her doing that rebellious back flip you need to remember that she was in such great pain all the whole time. And She just did it.

When I was reading “To kill a mocking bird” there was one sentence in it, and  I had totally lost it on that sentence.

I couldn't help but cry at the line where Jem says to change the law which makes black people guilty, and Atticus says

“You’d be surprised how hard that’d be. I won’t live to see the law

changed, and if you live to see it you’ll be an old man." 

Well this isn’t the same, but the same thing made me cry when I saw Surya not standing on that podium. The same thing that reminded me that how much does our stereotypes matters in society.

After that I saw a clip “Rebel on Ice” and when I watched her doing the flips with such momentum, I thought as if she deserved to be there rather than the elegant princesses out there.  She isn’t a elegant and the persona fitting into certain perspectives of a figure skaters, but what she is a speed of sound and determination. She is the pain that breaks through and brings out the courage. Perhaps she wasn’t fitting into all the criteria in all those competitions according to the judges, maybe she lacked or maybe not.

But I sure did get inspired by a Rebel she started on Ice. I loved the moment when she landed perfectly, as in the words used to describe her by media as she gave a middle finger to all those who had moved her aside and didn’t let her get what she deserved.

And yes. The record still stands with her name.

“Bonaly is the only figure skater to land a backflip on only one blade, in an Olympic”

And its not just what she did was impressive, it’s the reason why she did and all the things before that.

As the podcast’s description says,

A story about loving a sport, which doesn’t love you back, and being judged in front of the world according to rules you don’t understand.

To Suya Bonaly.

If you are interested, please follow links below to find out about this amazing figure skater who would change your views about how you’d judge someone.

The podcast:http://www.radiolab.org/story/edge/

Her back flipping moment:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5mVVy25e-vk

Surya Bonaly in ESPN “rebel on ice”:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2J8cDhxMaqQ

My reasons to learn a new language

When I first thought of this subject, I googled the term and thousands of results popped up. well some  I did checked for my reference but they seem a little too business approaching. As in, world of new job opportunities, study overseas, stop being a fool in front of locals because you dont know their language, and bla bla.
But I guess I must be having my own reasons if I am trying to learn something so desperately.
So here's my reasons, although they might not be really helpful for other people but they are sort of helpful for me I guess.
My focus is mainly on French, so I'd try to explain in those terms.
So the very first reason

I want to be able to speak fluently in French.
well many a times I have seen people speaking in french in movies or in shows, and I feel envied that I dont understand the words they are speaking. I have this sort of crush on French because it seems so lovely without any efforts. as if person speaking in french always reciting a poetry and not speaking harsh subject. Well arebic or similar kind of languages seems as if people are discussing politics even when they are having a normal or romantic conversation, but french seems exactly opposite. I am a soft spoken person and I like thoughtful conversation and I would love love love to speak in fluent french one day with a french person. One day...

I  want to be able to speak one language apart from my mother tongue and English and my national language-
My mother tongue is marathi and we have vast literature available in this language, my national language is Hindi, which I dont like because it seems a little bit rigid to me. (I never ever liked to learn Hindi in my school, that is why I chose sanskrit after I could switch). And English is my favorite language because I have explored so many thoughts through English, I have read books, I have seen movies, listened songs and it is the language in which I speak to myself.
but apart from this, I want to learn atleast one language which I can say, yes I speak this as well. as in a achievement sort of thing.

I want to visit France one day, and I want to be able to ask how to get a room, what to eat, what not to eat, what are the places to visit, what is the best wine you have :D-
So yes, visiting France is on my bucket list, and I feel it is of utmost importance that I know their language before I visit the country. I dont want to feel as if missing on something only because I dont know how to ask about it.

I feel french is a exquisite language to speak as well to read. 
I have said this before, but I think I would like to explore the work of art in french, in the same language.  I feel when we read or see something which is translated into the language we understand, there comes some limitations of the person who has translated it. I would like to read the books or watch the movies in that native language in which they were made.

So that is all, for this I want to learn French. :D I wish as soon as I get my joining I will be looking out for a French class and get certified as a French Speaker. One day... ;)

Merci...

The fountainhead

Some books teach us, some remind us of some things, some inspires us and some are so different that they make us doubt our basic beliefs which we have been conceiving from a long time and I would say "The Fountainhead" was one of that sort of book.

I wrote so much content about this book while I was reading it. I wrote it in the notepad, I wrote it in the adobe notes section, I would high light the sentences and write one or two lines in clips on my kindle. After a week after I finished the book I was trying to figure out a review about this book, but none. My mind kept going black as if some sort of memory clean up was in process.
Yet I am sitting in a empty lab with so many computers buzzing around me and I am thinking of all the difference "The Fountainhead" has made in my thought process I feel disturbed. I feel so disturbed with a hammer sound coming out of window, a murmur of students. And I feel as of I need utter silence to write and think about this book.Same as the way Roark feels when he is diving in the lake near his college, or at the house he built for Dominique and Waynand, or the holiday houses he built.

Even then...
I guess this time I will change a pattern of my review a bit. I would write what I felt as character wise opinion about this one. 
Well then the very first comes Roark. The protagonist of the novel. At first I felt as if he is some sort of monk doing his meditation at a place but then as I was reading about his behavior, his way of dealing with people. I was astonished with his confidence, dedication for his work, and this man seemed like someone I would like to have as a mentor in my life. I could not find a single mistake in the way he was made  , explained and behaved. Roark was silent in the whole novel. Letting others behave the way they wanted with him. And focused on his work despite of critics and whatever crap people were throwing on him. But the only thing which remained through was his belief on himself. He was so sure if himself that none the external factors mattered as if they didn't even existed for him
And I was surprised to see that I have experienced this... Some times when you want something so desperately it doesn't matter what others say or what the situation is. Or anything at all. We just know so deep within us that we are absolutely right to do whatever we are doing at the moment. And those are the moment which reward us with disbelieving victory. When we are so confirmed that we are not going to loose. And I have been through this once or twice in my life but Roark was in this phase all the time. I can only imagine what that must be to live in at peace state all the time. I admired the one statement so much 

He had the feeling that he was not hiring this man, but surrendering himself into his employment.

 as he was the only person who knew what exactly his client wanted and roark had proved his statement that "question isn't who will let me! Question is who will stop me" 

and oh my, what a amazing feeling I had when I read this sentence, that how much belief on ourselves matter, and what it is like to stay true to ourseleves against all the people trying to shape us.
Brilliant!

Now take a human body. Why wouldn't you like to see a human body with a curling tail with a crest of ostrich feathers at the end? And with ears shaped like acanthus leaves? It would be ornamental, you know, instead of the stark, bare ugliness we have now. Well, why don't you like the idea? Because it would be useless
and pointless. Because the beauty of the human body is that it hasn't a single muscle which doesn't serve its purpose; that there's not a line wasted; that every detail of it fits one idea, the
idea of a man and the life of a man.

and I felt how much I agree with this, as if the things in minimalist life are how true, as we are made for each every bit of usefulness in our each part of our body, why do we need all the rest of glittering things. 

When first time waynand asks Roark to meet Dominique and Roark only says "I do." and I was like

"He does. god damn you waynand. He do understand her more than you do." I was feeling like I was already seeing this all in front of my eyes, as if I wasnt reading but watching a movie :D

 
And ultimately the last trial of roark for the case. And I felt he had summarised the entire book there. Right there in each sentence and in each word. He defeated toohey, and the whole rest of the world who was in his way of success. A world on the verge of a slavery and he was like a messiah sent to at least keep the light alive in huge storm. And the word 'not guilty ' rang like a unbeatable bell in my ears. It was the conclusion of whatever Roark had been through. 

The next person is Dominique, (Although I kind of hate her, :P)

Dominique seems a little difficult someone to handle, understand. But I feel a bit respect towards her for her search of something she wants desperately. If I had a rich father like Francon and we had a villa somewhere I would have definitely spent my days out there in silence. That has been my so long dream to be somewhere only in my own company with no one to disturb the silence. Apart from that I had a real tragic incidence when I read that she threw away the statue to break it and I was so angry with her as why would she do something like this. But then I came to a part when she meets Roark and she wants to break him, and when it slowly sunk into me as why she wants to break him and there it was...
She wanted to break the statue because it was so beautiful that its beauty she wanted to keep only to herself. She didn't wanted to share it with anyone, similarly she didn't want to share Roark with anyone, to let him make his work and defile it with other people's opinions who do not understand his greatness. It was all so confusing but when it felt right I was stunned for an entire minute with this relevance. Many things and incidence surprised and confused me in this novel but none of them came close to Dominique. I didn't understand why she was the way she was. I didn't understand what made her so rigid about everything, despite being a normal person she was someone entirely different persona within herself. Most women would like men to worship them, to care for them, but she wanted a man who would break her, who would be so better than her that she will feel sunken in front of him. On a quest of this I totally understood the encounter between her and roark. Under any other circumstances I wouldnt have approved whatever happens among them,  a rape. A horrible incident which would change a women's life entirely but this was utterly justified. And  I don't even know what was the reason that justified it. It's like a thing to be felt by individual. Apart from all the weird things Dominique did and behaved, she was like a dark part of book which was needed like a heavy side needed in a sketch to elevate it.

After that comes Wynand. At first I thought this man was worse Person who could ever owe the empire.

He hired a sensitive poet to cover baseball games. He hired an art expert to handle financial news. He got a socialist to defend factory owners and a conservative to champion labor. He forced an atheist to write on the glories of religion. He made a disciplined scientist proclaim the superiority of mystical intuition over the scientific method. He gave a great symphony conductor a munificent yearly income, for no work at all, on the sole condition that he never
conduct an orchestra again. 

With his power the way he was manipulating people. I thought of him as merciless monster who could not see something good in the world being born. When I read how he would make people work for him, I literally wrote a note saying that what is wrong with these people in this book. I am banging my head with irritation.
But as the further story enfolded I thought of waynand as a helpless child. Someone who was defeated and found out that through his entire life whatever he did was worthless. A zero. I don't even want to think that this disappointment. As its the cruelest one. We only have a life and if u spent it in something which meant nothing at all. Its too hard isn't it. I was actually feeling sorry that the only thing that mattered in the last for waynand was his skyscraper. And even whatever he had to do with the most favorite people in his life. But it was justified as well, similar way all the things before.

One person whom I was feeling sorry for the entire novel was Keating. He was like a real good artist gone to do engineering because his parents wanted it. And he tried to fit in. By bending, mending, cutting parts of his self, altering and trying to decorate himself to be presentable to the world, but after a while it was fruitless. And obviously he suffered because he could no longer sustain the lies he had lived with. I felt Dominique was cruel to marry him and he knew the reason why was she marrying him but he tried to keep the play go on despite he knew he was neither mentally prepared to pretend anymore.

One more notable persons statement I must mention here and that was mike. 

"It's something made me very sick once, but then it turned out it make no difference at all, in the long run."

What Mike at the time of Roarks case, was ultimately summarizing what I have felt from last 9 years while I was reading my old journals and diaries. That every difficult period is going to pass, and it wouldn't matter in next few years. And that is a really great advice to keep going on when you are being afraid of the end results of something.

and I kept reading,and it  changed my perspective. Really it did.
I feel while reading as I am reading something forbidden, as if I am committing a crime, reading something so complex, something I dont understand. Its not as if I am a minor, but still. It just seems lot harder to comprehend, the truth of people, their reasons to break someone, to hate someone ,to love someone. Each sentence seems like a puzzle given to solve, and I was literally banging my head as what does this mean? what does that mean? 

And finally. Finally when roark wins his trial and he is through all with just the ease.  I was having headphones in my ears and one of my favorite in songs which makes me feel relaxed. (Maybe you should try it as well, : ) "We're all the way" by Eric Clapton. )

 and

She saw him standing above her, on the top platform of the Wynand Building. He waved to her.
The line of the ocean cut the sky. The ocean mounted as the city descended. She passed the pinnacles of bank buildings. She passed the crowns of courthouses. She rose above the spires of churches.
Then there was only the ocean and the sky and the figure of Howard Roark.  

 And as I was reading the 'the end' on the last page and the last note of "we're all the way" and they were.. : )